This is the face of someone who was riding the rollercoaster of “pregnancy after loss” emotions: excited and anxious, nervous and confused, joy-filled and overwhelmed.
The day I found out about this baby, I was at the hospital. It was nothing scary, just my GP being cautious and a fun, human puzzle for the doctors to unravel.
But as I waited on bloodwork and tests, the nurse gave me a little, “Congratulations.” Because those very faint positive pregnancy hormones showed up in my bloodstream and it was official. We were expecting again.
For someone who’s lost five babies, this wasn’t the way to start a calm pregnancy.
I’ve spent so much time in hospitals saying good-bye, that those pregnancy-after-loss fears struck hard. The smells, the bloodwork, the chairs, it all brought it back.
Pregnancy is never easy.
Pregnancy AFTER loss? Even less so.
And so, I prayed for the baby to grow. Because I wasn’t ready to say good-bye.
And I prayed those desperate prayers for a baby’s heart to begin to beat, even as mine fluttered around so irregularly.
And then, I offered up another sort of prayer: one of dedication. The desperate prayer of a mother placing her child in the arms of the Father and letting go.
Because this baby doesn’t belong to me.
Whether this little one stayed with us or not, I knew in whose arms they were held.
A pregnancy after loss is full of flashbacks. Of fear. Of anxiety. Of emotions that blindside, of unintentional numbing tools, and tears that flow.
But it can also be full of trust and assurance.
Assurance that no matter what tomorrow holds, this little one is so very loved today.
Assurance that the One who holds us is greater still.
Assurance that those pregnancy after loss emotions will rise. But they don’t have to defeat us. We’re not battling on our own.
Today, I’m resting in Him.
** Post originally appeared on the MommyMannegren Facebook Page. Follow along on all socials for more posts like this.**
