Warning: This post is disgusting and squishy and most certainly not for individuals prone to queasy stomachs or an overly active gag reflex. If you’re currently chowing down on lunch, you’ll probably want to save this post for later…
Congratulations! You’ve just brought a milk guzzling, sleep stealing, poop machine into the world. Sadly, gone are the days when you can simply pass the bottom heavy baby back to its mother for a quick change. You are now the parent! It’s time to grab some zinc oxide cream and a gas mask because you are about to wrestle one squirming baby out of an obnoxiously tight sleeper that’s erupting with half-digested carrots.
Ah yes, the joys of parenting… Who knew there were so many wonderful things to learn about babies? Because standing knee deep in a pile of fermenting diapers, you are now an expert on pimply bum rashes and oddly colored excrement. No one can say that having a baby isn’t informative. This, however, is one subject that you probably wish wasn’t covered so extensively…
1. Vying for the coveted title of “most disgusting baby poop” may very well be the meconium, otherwise known as the baby’s first poop. This tarry mess of mucus, amniotic fluid and bile serves as a delightful introduction into the world of diaper changes and bids you “welcome” to a whole new world of previously undiscovered substances.
(I see that you have now opened a secondary browser, typed “Meconium poop” into images, and are about to hit enter. This would be a very bad decision. Don’t blame me if this web search forever haunts your worst nightmares. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)
2. During the first few months of pregnancy, a strange phenomenon occurs: while everyone else takes off running as soon as the changing mat hits the floor, you’re actually beginning to think that your baby’s poop isn’t all that bad. In fact… it’s kind of cute smelling?
3. Scrap that. It’s NOT cute. Your little one has started chomping away on mushed green beans and what comes out the other end makes you want to hurl. This is one package that you do not want to unwrap: solid, runny, chunky, streaked, clumpy, dark, seedy, light, yellow, green, thick, thin and WHAT DID YOU EAT? Yep, you’ve seen it all. Bring out the scented “doggy waste bags” that have been cleverly repackaged for diapers or accept the fact that your house will constantly smell like a small rodent died beside the changing table.
4. You know those adorable, newborn photographs with a naked infant sleeping peacefully inside a large, wooden bucket? Yeah, your baby (and a hundred other babies) has most likely left a deposit in that bucket. Newborn photography sessions are basically composed of three hours of wiping up tiny poop squirts and ten minutes of taking pictures. This is why you pay the photographer so much – she is one of the select few to have accidentally held your child’s poop in the palm of her hand.
5. Before you’re a parent, the term, “explosive poop” is usually only associated with the aftereffects of some not-so-great Mexican food. After your little one is born, this weekly occurrence means a mad dash for the tub to rinse poop out of the baby’s hair. (Hey – as long as it’s not in your hair, it’s a good day.)
6. All those cute newborn onesies that you were given for the baby shower? Yeah, they’re just not so cute covered in battle wounds from the last explosion. Practical tip for parents: What’s the easiest way to get rid of a poop stain? Use a drop of Dawn dish soap and scrub it right off! Or, figure that your baby’s probably not going to fit into the outfit by tomorrow anyways and toss it out in frustration.
7. When your baby is two months old, and again at four months, he will be given an oral vaccine against Rotavirus. This delightful, live virus can be found in your babies poop for up to ten days afterwards. Because as if changing diapers wasn’t disgusting enough, there is now a transmittable virus wiggling around in there. If you weren’t previously scrubbing the skin off your hands after diaper a change, you sure are now!
8. Babies love to play with their poop. As soon as those velcro diaper flaps are snapped back, his little hand is between his legs quicker than stink. If you ever have to ask yourself, “What’s that squishing sound?” You’re too late.
9. Commonly heard around the house are phrases such as: “DO NOT eat your poopy diaper!” or “Hold still so I can scoop the poop out of your bellybutton!” My personal favourite thus far: “Help! Hurry! I’m holding his poop in my hand!”
10. Poop only happens in clean diapers. It never fails, thirty seconds after changing a damp diaper and replacing it with a fresh, clean smelling bundle of linen – the grunting begins. Seriously? Couldn’t you have pooped two minutes ago??? I suppose I should just be grateful that he didn’t poop during the last diaper change.
Motherhood is about finding humour amidst the mess – and oh, is there mess! From little feet squishing around in a warm pile of yesterday’s dinner, to leaking diapers trailing along the couch cushions, and everything in between – sometimes all you can do is laugh. Because if you can’t giggle at the fact that you just walked around the mall for four hours with a poop stain smeared along the thigh of your best jeans, then you’re in for a long day!
